Thank You Is a Leadership Move

Last week, I wrote about compliments—how noticing something good, and saying it out loud, can change relationships. That piece struck a chord. I received a lot of kind messages, and in turn, I made a point to thank everyone who reached out.

It got me thinking. We’re not just short on compliments. We’re short on thank-yous, too.

A compliment is about what someone did. A thank-you is about what it meant.

This week, we go deeper. Because in leadership, relationships, and narrative—“thank you” isn’t just polite. It’s foundational.

Compliments are about what someone did.

Thank-yous are about what it meant.

A compliment says: “Nice move.” 

A thank-you says: “We wouldn’t have gotten there without you.”

That’s a shift. From moment to meaning. From appreciation to alignment.

I talk a lot about outcomes. But most people don’t just want to achieve something—they want to be part of why it happened.

That’s where “thank you” lands. That’s what makes people feel included in the story.

Why Saying Thank-You Matters More Than You Think

Back in 2011, I wrote a post for a now-defunct website called "12 Most". I wrote about the 12 Most Essential Principles for a Long and Happy Marriage.

Principle #1? Say "Thank you".

"It sounds corny," I wrote back then, "but it’s important. Relationships are about mutual respect. Don’t underestimate the value of simple courtesy and sincere appreciation."

(I encourage you to take a look at all 12 principles. They really apply to all relationships, not just marriage.)

A thank-you isn’t a nicety. It’s a narrative signal.

It tells your stakeholders—customers, employees, partners, investors:

“You’re not just in the story. You’re part of it.”

That shift—from observer to participant—is what builds real trust. It’s how companies stop treating people like cogs and springs and start recognizing them as essential contributors.

Here’s What a Thank-You Really Says

To a customer: You didn’t just buy something. You found value in what we delivered. 

To an employee: Your effort didn’t just check a box. It shaped who we are. 

To a partner: You’re not a vendor. You’re part of how we win. 

To an investor: You didn’t just write a check. You took a bet. On us.

To a friend: You are not just someone I know. You make my life better. 

A thank-you validates participation. It closes a loop. It says: You mattered here.

It’s not so different from what I wrote in "Your Swim Lane Is a Signal"—people want to know where they fit, how they contribute, and why it matters. A thank-you is one of the clearest ways to draw that line.

The Referral Is a 3-Way Story

You see this very clearly in referrals. 

A referral isn’t just a name passed along. It’s a trust signal. A three-way story:

• The person who referred you

• The person they sent

• And you

When you thank the referrer, you’re not just closing the loop—you’re reinforcing their role in your narrative. You’re saying, “You didn’t just connect me. You endorsed me.”

That’s not a small thing. It’s how advocates are born. And it’s how you make sure they keep telling your story.

Why We Hold Back

So why don’t we say thank you more?

• We assume it’s implied.

• We think the moment passed.

• We don’t realize how much it matters.

But the same thing that applies to compliments and feedback applies here, too: clarity wins.

When you leave someone guessing, you’re making them do narrative math in their head. And as I’ve written before in "Cognitive Load Is Real," that friction can kill momentum.

A thank-you removes ambiguity. It tells them exactly what role they played—and that you noticed.

Gratitude Is a Leadership Skill

Compliments celebrate effort.
Thank-yous cement identity.

They say: This is who we are. This is what we value.

And like I wrote in “How To Ask Good Questions,” what you highlight tells people what matters. Saying thank you is another way of reinforcing that signal. Both shape behavior. Both create alignment. Both are easy to skip—and costly when you do.

Leadership isn’t just about driving outcomes. It’s about reinforcing meaning in the process.

Berkson's  Bits

If you make a mistake, raise your hand and own it.

Some of the best advice I've ever gotten came from a family friend, Rita Abelow. I was only a teenager at the time and I don't remember the circumstances that led up to it, but I remember her words like it was yesterday. She was a first-grade teacher, not a business leader.

"If you make a mistake or screw something up," she said, "be sure to raise your hand and say you did it. It disarms people. They are all ready to yell at you and now you can talk about how to move on from it."

I used this advice countless times in my life and career. Particularly when I was in the IT services business. It was unfortunately inevitable that someone on my team would break something at a customer site. It could be crashing a server or even losing a backup. My tactic was to call the customer (proactively, don't wait for them to call you to complain) and tell them what happened. I'd say "Here's what happened. You can yell at me tomorrow. Right now, here are the steps we're taking to fix things."

That next-day scolding rarely came.

Anyone who has worked with me knows I value communication. The same goes for owning up to mistakes. Covering them up or ignoring them only compounds them. Addressing them gives everyone a chance to move on.

What I'm Listening To...

For as long as I can remember, listening to music has helped me concentrate while I work. Especially if I need to concentrate. I know for some people that would be a distraction. For me, it's like it keeps a part of my brain occupied while I work. The more complex the music, the better. Like giving your kid a toy to play with while you're out running errands. When I was younger, it was mostly Progressive Rock music from bands like Yes and ELP.

These days, my go-to is Baroque. My favorite "concentration" playlist is High-energy Baroque on Spotify. I hope it's as effective for you as it is for me. I am listening to it as I'm typing this.

We don’t need a template or a tool to say thank you. We just need to remember what it does.

A thank-you isn’t a sign-off. It’s a narrative act.

Compliments are recognition. 

Thank-yous are inclusion.

They say: You were part of the outcome.

That’s what makes people come back. That’s what makes them retell the story. That’s what makes it stick.

So say the thing. Say thank you. And mean it.

Looking forward to continuing the conversation...

Alan